Funny Quotes

Giving up smoking is easy...I've done it thousands of times.
(Mark Twain)
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When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep, not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
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Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.
(Homer Simpson)
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
(Rodney Dangerfield)
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Never stand between a dog and the hydrant.
(John Peers)
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You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
(Pearl Williams)
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I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
(Paul Merton)
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You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.
(Homer Simpson)
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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
(Steven Wright)
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You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
(Ellen DeGeners)
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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
(Mark Twain)
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A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff
(George Carlin)
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Folks, the President needs a break. He’s like a Black and Decker cordless Dirt Devil vacuum. If you don’t recharge his batteries, he can’t suck
(Steven Colbert)
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Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
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Vegetarian are those people that hate plants.
(A. Whitney Brown)
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If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
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What year did Jesus think it was?
(George Carlin)
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Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.
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Zero-zero is a big score.
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I can resist everything except temptation.
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How to make a million dollars: first, get a million dollars.
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When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
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Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose.
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Is it good if a vacuum cleaner really sucks ?
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